Monopoly Pub Crawl

Preparation

I first read Red Dwarf back in the late 90's, and had long wanted to try a Monopoly Board Pub crawl. In Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers,

Smeg!

Dave Lister wakes up on one of Saturn's moons, wearing a lady's pink crimplene hat and a pair of yellow fishing waders, with no money, a passport in the name of "Emily Berkenstein", and a worrying rash. What's not to like?

After looking into this, it seemed more tricky than first imagined. 26 pubs (all streets plus stations, so just excluding watre works and electric company). I found a really detailed website which was pretty was handy, and after doing a bit more googling, I updated the list and set up a strategy: start early, drink halves, and be disciplined. I made a handy pocketbook sized version of the planned route, with directions, modes of transport and desired leaving times. From the outset it looked like time would be the killer.

It's not boding well. Having eventually fought off both the chronic cold and tummy bug I brought back from Mexico, Kath and I spend most of the Saturday out in unexpected October sunshine – and at some stage I twist my ankle. We actually abandon the Heineken Cup match on Sunday because I can't walk to the game. Oh no... On Monday Darren says I'll only be listed as “probable” in the starting line up. But the week saw a swift recovery, much to Kathy's delight.

The crawlers (err, monopolisers?)

Hmm, surely there must be a better collective noun, but nevertheless, a large posse of Aussies and Welshmen (and women), and a few Englishwomen too, headed up on the big rail journey east to London town. Terry, Lisa & Katie went up on Thursday, Kath & I went up on Friday morning, with Darren & Cate Friday afternoon, and Clodey arriving in London on the Eurostar. Craig & Martina arrived early Saturday morning (although Martina hit the shops not the pubs on the big day), Jo & Brian came up early too, as did Lewis & Sarah. Jill and Laura arrived just after noon. And Weez was already in London.

The night before

With the Newport contingent already well represented in town, we decided to meet up for a meal. I was really keen for some South East Asian food, and Terry booked us a spot at the Sugar Hut, a cocktail and Thai place in Chelsea. Maybe Terry getting lost between the Fulham Broadway station and the restaurant was a bad omen? Champagne by the glass, so Kath was happy! We had a great meal (although I skipped Tom Yum after too many evil happenings, and we got shafted on the assumed 50% discount when we ordered the banquet), and discussed strategies. Discipline! Clodey rocked up just as we were ordering, and mentioned he had his Sat Nav with him, with all the pubs pre-loaded. Excellent, what could go wrong? Anyway, a quick pint near Paddington just before Last Orders (“Here's to Good Timing” toasted Tim), and an early-ish night.

The big day

Despite earlier bad missives – the weather was great!

1. The George, for Old Kent Road

The George

Kath & I got the tube to Elephant & Castle where we were to meet the Starters – Darren & Cate, Weez, and Terry and his young ladies. We did a quick reconnoitre and figured out how to cross the mouse maze of the E&C intersection, and which way to walk up Tower Bridge. Darren, Cate & Weez all turned up on time, and we headed up the road ... if you haven't been there, Old and New Kent Roads are not the best sight to see in London.

We hit the George just before 11, and it seems there were two if not three groups there already – all drinking halves, a dead give away. Strange that these groups were mostly women. A quick half of Courage best bitter, and the five of us headed at 11:10 off to the bus – along with all the other, err, crawlers. Clodey later corrected this by SMS - “Bastards it's 11:07 I just missed you”. Darren and Weez both started giving the pubs a score out of 10, and Weez started doing a regularly updated headcount. 5 left the George.

A 188 bus rocked up as we were leaving, and checking our prepared guide (it was listed as one to take) we jumped the road and hopped on – Oyster Cards and Travel Passes at the ready.

Checking our itinerary, and Weez's (later lifesaving) pocket A to Z, we knew that we want to cross Tower Bridge on the bus and then dash through to Fenchurch Street Station. Time is of the essence, and we were 3 minutes ahead! The picturesque landmark loomed ahead of us, and we were on our way ...

2. The Fen in Fenchurch Street Station

Disaster struck early, and struck hard! And we weren't even at the 2^nd pub yet! The 188 (fucking public transport!) turned right, off Tower Bridge road, and proceeded East along the south side of the Thames. Noooooooo! The other pub crawlers dinged the bell, and like sheep we all jumped off. This was certainly the right thing to do – I checked when we got back to Cardiff, and we would have got more and more lost. But next ... well, the pub crawling groups of women, including the infamous “bunch of woman with that really tall prick” started leading us through a rats nest of alleys and passages that eventually lead us to the Thames. Kath, never one for impromptu diversions when we don't know where the fuck we are or where we are going suggested we head back to where the bus left Tower Bridge Road and get the next bus ... instead we eventually hit the south bank of the Thames, and had a very picturesque but panicked stroll along the water front to Tower Bridge (and past a whole lot of restaurants and cafes). Whilst allowing for some lovely holiday snaps (he said candidly, nudge nudge, wink wink),

Weez, Darren & Cate, and Kathy on Tower Bridge

View from the Bridge

the chaotic dash across Tower Bridge meant we were getting further and further behind on our seemingly impossible schedule – after Pub 1 !!!! Anyway, a power walk (I checked on google, it was probably a mile, 1600m) and psychotic game of Frogger on Tower Bridge saw us eventually get to the bus stop we were supposed to get off the bus, and then a twisty turny dash through the Minories and Crosswall, and into the Station ... fending off “Where the fuck are you?” messages from our Aussie colleagues – who together with Clodey got to the George late but got the right bus – we eventually hit the Fenchurch Street Station (so they overtook us at some point). Remember, to picture this, we have at least four if not more groups of pub crawlers hurrying across Tower Bridge and then back streets and all rushing up the stairs to an already heaving pub.

The Fen

Clodey was there quietly doing his crossword (but his much vaunted TomTom had flat batteries, so would not aid us this day), and Craig, Jo and Brian all had drinks already. A necked half of Young's Best Bitter, and 11:53 – 13 minutes late – we left the Fen. Weez's head count now 5+4=9. “Look, 9 Walkers” I say, as we set out from Rivendell, err Fenchurch. “You're a DORK Berger” yells Kath.

3. The Aldgate Exchange for Whitechapel Road

Things don't look good. We get confused by our directions and have a debate about which side of Boltoph's Church we are supposed to be. Confusion reigns, quick checking around corners, dashing down streets, but a cry of “I can see it” and we all pile in to

IKEA, London branch

... the Ikea pub. Well, either that or some horrible pine laminate fetish gone wrong. Dull, dull, dull pub. We seem to have lost our fellow crawlers, who were following the same route – we had a chat with a couple and saw the had printed out the website we used too. A half of London Pride, and then 9 of us out by 12:13. Still at -13 minutes. Plus I had to break the seal before I left too.

4. Hamilton Hall in Liverpool Street Station

Round the corner, down the stairs and onto the Tube, and then a scurry for the escalators, up to where we can see Hamilton Hall. Where's the door? OK, outside the station, and ta-dah!

Hamilton Hall

Lewis & Sarah meet us there, and we are up to 11. Getting a slight beer buzz. A delightful half of Greene King IPA, and off we go again at 12:40 – the 11 of us have caught up time, and we're on schedule!

5. The Old Red Lion for the Angel, Islington

Whipping round the corner to Moorgate station, another tube ride (It was packed! Or was that the earlier one?) and the exceedingly long escalator at Angel (sorry Plugger, no bobsled), and into the Old Red Lion,

Old Red Lion

where sitting comfortably and relaxed are both Jill and Laura, nursing their second drink. Yay!

A nice quite beer

Now up to 13. A half of Landlord, yum. Wait a second, have we picked up a couple with a baby? Some friends of Craig, Brian & Jo? No time for introductions, but Cate and Weez discuss whether the baby counts as half. Do we have 13 of us, or 13.5 including the baby, or 15.5 including the parents too? Weez counts the departures – Jo, Brian and Craig tarry with their infant friend, and the rest of us are off! Is that 10 of us? 5 beers and its already hard to keep track of who we are.

6. The Castle on Pentoville Road

A short walk

Rich aka Weez

and

Lewis & Kathy

into the Castle. Odd themed pub.

The Castle ... tell him he's dreaming

“Knights” and “Maidens” on the toilet doors, but not really “medieval” ... nice new range of beers though compared with the earlier pubs.

Missus B

I tried Adnams Bitter. Terry rings us on route, and just missed us at the Red Lion. He arrives with Lisa and Katie just as we are preparing to depart, and Jo, Brian, Craig and the babymobile have caught up with us. Terry orders a pint of Doombar to catch up - “Dooooooooom” he said.

This doesn't look like any castle I've heard of ...

How many is that with us now? 16 of us, plus the couple with the baby (18.5?). And been for a leak twice already.

7. The Duke of York at Kings Cross Station

Where is it? Where is it?

Sarah, Darren, Cate, Jill, Laura take a stroll to Kings Cross Station

Tramping around the station, walking the length of platform 8. Arrgh? People everywhere with baggage too. Damn tourists. A chat with a porter, and spying a sign ... it's closed. For renovations.

Damn

Bugger ... “Full Pint at the Next One!”, and we're off

8. The Rocket on Euston Road

Out the side (or was it the back?) of Kings Cross station, and then straight down Euston Road to the Rocket

I'm a Rocketman, burning up his fuse up here alone ....

– we have well and truly lost the other groups of pub-crawlers by now. A discussion en route ended up with the decision to not have a full pint, and use the saved time instead for later in the day. A better plan would have been to tell everybody, because poor old Brian now had to scull a pint of Staropramen ... we also see our first (and as it turns out, our only) breakage of the day, as Darren shatters glassware on the floor of the Rocket. Sports pub with a dozen TVs and a blaring football match on the big projector screen. I had another Greene King IPA, and a long discussion with Weez about our next option.

Weez adding to the discussion

We had planned to grab the tube, but Weez was of the view that we were on a main route to Marelybone anyway, and a bus might be a better option. Anyway, it hits 14:30 – which is 0:00 in Adelaide and so I officially hit 40 – so I put on my “I was 39 yesterday” badge from Linda & Phil.

Happy birthday to me!

We leave at 14:35, 5 minutes off our planned departure, still doing well after 8 stops (and 7 halves) ... but discipline discipline discipline! The couple with the baby were at the Rocket,

Jill and Clodey discuss plans for their baby-stealing scheme

and (I think) that was the last we saw of them ... and so with our main contingent of 16 we set off again.

9. Victoria & Albert at Marleybone Station

We feared buses, they betrayed us once already, but with Rich's encouragement we set out - we play Frogger again

Player 1, you're up

and grab a bus to Marylebone.

A picture of innocence that will later be used as evidence in People of London vs Clode & Berger

The V& A was quite a nice pub actually, very well appointed, as they say. Some debate between Weez and Darren as to exactly how many points out of ten. This was our Greatest Danger – the pub was ever so comfy, and even with the slightly out of place karoke machine on the bar, we could have stayed here all day.

Victoria & Albert & Matt

Long curved bars, full sized billiard tables, delicate craftwork, high ceilings ... but discipline! The beer was good too – and those drinking lager said it was especially cold – so cold in fact that Laura dropped hers all over Katie (who quickly dried out after a quick trip to the Ladies, and got back to her Malibu & Coke). A half of Tetley's.

Weez & Matt - "Just good friends"

We also come across another doing a pub crawl, starting at Liverpool Street. They were at Pub-plus-one compared with us – then again, they had a small group and started at 10:30. They had “pub crawl envy” when they saw our little booklets. A quick goodbye-and-goodluck, and much stocking up on pasties was to be had just outside the pub, and we're off at 15:16, only a quarter of an hour behind Our Plan.

10. The Rose & Crown for Park Lane

After a danger of scattering (“Where's Weez?, We've lost Rich!” “No you haven't”) we were onto another bus, but this one was empty. We swarm over the bus, and Jill, Weez, Kath and I take the upper deck

Smile Matty, we're on a bus

all to ourselves as we go past Hyde Park and the incredibly expensive hotels on Park Lane.

Guess what city we are in?

Oooooooo ... Magic

Some debate as to when we get off, but with Jill's prescient direction

"Don't you dare take a photo of me stuffing my face!"

we get off at the right stop. This was good – good team work, good communication, and we had conquered the first of our two Long Links. This had being worrying me since the outset, but we managed it.

Rosencrantz & Gildencrown are dead

Into the Rose & Crown, and a half of Bombadier. And my fifth trip to the gents already.

11. Ye Grapes in Mayfair

Now the era of short trips begins (they look shorter on paper, especially when you have full bladder!). Round a lot of twisty turny streets, and into Ye Grapes.

Ye Grapes, where we paused to use Ye Camera before having Ye Beer

I can't believe the next bit – Clodey comes up to me with a tenner in his hand and says “Matt, you've just won £10 in a beauty contest” and with a look of surprise and astonishment I say “Gee thanks mate” and reach for the note ... and everyone else pisses themselves laughing (bastards), at which point I felt like a stupid twat. A half of Doombar brings up the equivalent of the fifth-pint ("Doooooom"). And we're off!

12. The Blue Posts for Piccadilly

I think (and I mean, I really have no idea because it's all blurring into one great fun day), I think that Tash joined us here briefly, bringing the total to 17 for a short while. Anyway, short walk to the Blue Posts. Looking back at the photos I see that at this stage we have been joined by The-Guy-In-The-Brown-Jacket-Who's-Name-I-Don't-Know. Another friend of Craig, Jo & Brian. Damn, so that's 18 – and then 19 when Tash's friend Lindsay joins us. Somewhere around here Craig and Clodey suggest a Cludeo Pub Crawl, and a strange conversation ensures regarding "the length of Matt's lead pipe". The photo of the Grapes-Blue Posts transit looks blurry –

"Focus"

or

"The beer is kicking in"

but that was in focus, it was just the people who were becoming blurry. And now for a half of Spitfire. God I love this beer, I grab it wherever I see it. I find though that I need to be careful asking for a “Kentish Ale” because sometimes my South Australian Received Pronunciation makes it sound most horribly vulgar.

Blue Posts - despite the sign entry was not a problem

At this stage we are starting to feel the pressure – the walking and the standing, since by now the pubs are pretty full and we aren't getting a seat when we get there. Hmmm. Looks like its going to be tough, and we are not even halfway there ...

13. Golden Lion for Pall Mall

Quite a short walk thank goodness.

En route to the Golden Lion

What was with the stack of chairs?

What the hell is that?

Anyway, we originally planned the Red Lion, but the Golden Lion was a preferred choice of Ye Ancient Sages Who Wrought The Tome, and spying that it was open – and close by – we jumped in.

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!

Here I had a Hog's Back Tea, although buggered if I can remember what it tasted like. Minor disaster strikes here, or in transit – the felt tip pens I handed out proved to not quite be what I hoped for, as a cap fell loose in my pocket, leaking black ink all over my handkerchief, hands and jeans. “Handkerchief by Fresians” I said.

"No one laughed"

No one laughed. I think it was around this time that we felt morale and discipline were waning, and after a strategy discussion I deputised Clodey as The Ogre.

The Ogre

Much would we rue his “2 minutes, 2 minute warning, leaving in 2 minutes” cry for the rest of the day, although it was a masterful mechanism for keeping us on track.

14. Lord Moon of the Mall for Whitehall

Here is gets a little messy. We were supposed to skirt along the southern side of Trafalgar Square but the group was getting a little stretched out by now – and we got separated. Uh oh. Kath & I were in the second group, and we went too far north.

This isn't Whitehall?

A sense of urgency and panic begins to rise ... dear lord, the number of people in Trafalgar Square ... but we eventually make it to Lord Moon and find our group. Of course now we are really squeezed for time (and the unexpected delay meant that other things were being squeezed too ... I'm now enjoying a scenic tour of men's rooms at every other pub). And then the rounds get messed up, so I not only have a half of Arbett but also a half of a boutique ale called Gold (thanks Lewis!).

Lord Moon is a Wetherspoon

So now 14 halves for me, making up for the lost beer at Kings Cross. Time is getting out of hand, we didn't get to the pub until 17:20, and we were supposed to leave at ten to five! Can we make up time? Discipline! We need discipline! And by now, 6 hours into it, we're hitting The Wall. Come on team! We can do it!

15. The Sherlock Holmes for Northumberland Avenue

A quick and relative painless link, and a half of Sherlock Holmes Ale.

Elementary

But this pub is the one I have been dreading all of October, because now we need to leave the touristy Charing Cross area and get down to the Temple end of Fleet Street. Much debate ... do we wait for a bus? Or zig zag between tube stations? Or some other method ...

16. Ye Old Chesire Cheese for Fleet Street

And so there is a schism – the group splits into two, those who want to sit and rest, in the vain hope a bus will take them there and not waste time, and those who want to press on, “just get on with it, we might end up having to walk anyway”, and believing that the bloody London one way system will make a bus slow and tawdry! Clodey, Weez, Kath & I strike out – damn, who else was with us? - and taking Clodey's lead optimistically and cheerfully attempt to go by foot. Never in the original plans, it seemed too far. But Tim reckons its just through “civil service central” and we'll beat the bus. The cheer soon drains though – it's about 1200m, and remember - Rich, Kath & I had already done the extra 1600m at the start. And god damn I wish I'd visited the gents before we left. But down the Strand we go, past the Justice Courts,

No Matt, you don't want to go in there to pee

and tired and shattered we arrive at the Cheese. Navigating the rabbit warren of dark tiny rooms, with sawdust on the floor (I kid you not!) and a coal fire burning, we get to the bar ... to find the rest of the group had just got their beers, having beaten us by 3 minutes.

Cheesey goodness

“I sat down, put my feet up, feel refreshed” quips Darren. Swine! But having said that, the walk in the cold invigorated those of us who toiled, and the Will To Go On was revived (unlike our feet). A half of Samuel Smith Bitter, and we leave pub 16 at 18:30, 45 minutes behind the schedule. Remember, we are worried about missing Last Orders at pub # 26, so time is always on our mind. But we do not give up hope, because there is a little “time buffer” in one pub later on, which we might very well need ... I heard later that Brian abandoned his “share the halves with Jo” strategy here, and instead got stuck into the wheat beer , and was then white-knuckle-gripping the table afterwards. Hang in there man!

17. The Wellington on the Strand

Heading westward again we begin the journey back to the West End.

"Oh I wish I was in Wellington, the weather's not so good ..."

I can't remember a bloody thing about this pub (I forgot to write down what beer I had), except that I had my ninth visit to the gents. Routine has set in – dash to the pub, the bar, the gents, down the beer, and go! We still have the super sized group (although Tash and Lindsay pop in and out a few times to do Other Things)

18. The Marquess of Anglesey

Ooooo, we did walk a long way ...

Amid some very bad jokes about having walked all the way to north Wales, I have a half of Young's Bitter. And we're off.

19. The Chandos for Trafalgar Square

A bit of confusion, again navigating Nelson and his column, but we get there. I missed the photo of this pub – we got it the next day – but I did get a lot of photos inside the bar.

Cheating!

My husband went to Mexico and all I got was this little cat ...

It's around quarter to eight when we're inside (almost an hour behind), and it was a nice pub with really good beer.

" ... just form a queue ..."

Another Samuel Smith's Bitter. Yum. Pub 19 down, 7 to go. Weez is starting to show the strain

20. The Moon Under Water on Leicester Square

God I thought Trafalgar Square was busy. Leicester Square was a mad house.

No wonder we keep getting lost ... try following this after 20 beers

And the pain is now very real. The beer is OK, its the legs, dear lord the legs. "Oh the pain, the pain". Now the routine has a new element. “For the love of all that is holy, please find a seat!” Man, I was really feeling for Cate and her heels, and Laura and her “sensible but not very sensible” shoes. Kath had flat shoes on and was still in agony. She sat outside in the Square with Jo. Clodey tried to rouse her spirits, suggesting that she hop a cab to the end, but she held true to her promise To See It Thru. More confusion with rounds ... Tim gets to the bar late, so I buy him another, and rather than let him drink alone I have one (a second one) too. So I had two halves of some kind of nameless real ale at this pub. 21 halves now. The beer is kicking in, and kicking hard.

Moon? I didn't see anyone's arse ...

Weeeeee! This was the pub with the extra time, so when we leave we are only half an hour behind.

21. The Comedy for Coventry Street

This was the only pub that I distinctly disliked.

Only wankers need apply ...

Yuppie central – and this is coming from me! Also the only pub with bouncers on the door – oh, sorry, they liked to be called “Doormen”. Plonkers. God this pub was busy. The crowd! The heat! The noise! We meet the Liverpool Street Crew again, using the different route, who were still at pub-plus-one compared to us – four more for them, five for us. We never again saw the other groups doing the same route as us... it was early afternoon when we broke ahead of them... The best thing about this link was the revelation from Darren – we've got two and a half hours to get to five more pubs, and at the rate we're doing things it will be easy. “Easy” meaning if we keep up the frenetic pace. So we're off! Martina joins us just as we leave.

22. The Captain's Table for Regent Street

Here fell Weezul ... he was the strongest of any of us

The Captain's Table saw The Fall of Weezul. He just can't go on.

See ya guys, I gotta go ...

And an extra special present for you, B

Bye Rich ...

A said farewell and many drunken hugs, and Rich goes home with Tash, beaten but not broken. See you Weez, thanks for a great and bloody funny day. A quick check of the photos and this might be near where we lost Terry, Lisa and Katie – god knows how we kept everyone together so far, what with the number of people in the group, and how spread out we were. Terry told me later he just lost the group in the crowd, and so they went for a curry. Anyway, the end is so near you can almost taste it. Err, the pub crawl not the curry. Out we go at 8:55

23. The Leicester Arms for Vine Street

Pub #23, in which we find a seat

A brief oasis for the girls who actually managed to get a seat inside the pub.

Oasis ... except without Liam and Noel so it's actually pleasant

And then back through the West End we go.

Strange ... urge ... to ... buy ... electronic goods ... and ... hamburgers

Time now seems to be slowing down, we've got three more pubs and its only 10 past nine! Yes! We're going to make it! An excited feel spreads in the group – if we just do a few more then we can relax! Yes! It's nearly done! 24 halves now for me. Sarah takes command of the group, sorts out directions, and shepherds us onwards.

It's a magical magical land ...

24. O'Neills for Marlborough Street

The all-too-familiar O'Neills pub chain,

Deja Vu? Oh, no, that's the French pub innit?

and a half of Smithwicks (or did I end up having a Guinness?) Darren has a Guinness, and then gets the hiccups! These come and go for the rest of the night, much to Cate's annoyance.

"And you said drinking whisky all day was impossible ..."

Jo is feeling a little worse for wear and sits outside, no thanks to Clodey!

Growwwwwl!

Two more, we're so close. Thanks again to Sarah for saving us.

25. Duke of York for Bond Street

It's all a blur now. We have the Anticipation! We're going to make it!

"The Grand Old Duke of York, he had 10,000 men"
... bet none respected him in the morning though

26. Woodstock for Oxford Street!

Yes! Yes! Oh sweet fucking Jesus yes! We make it – and a pint, a full, manly pint at the last pub. Oh the joy! The ecstasy! And what's better is we can all get seats, its mostly uncrowded, we have the pub to ourselves. And we're done.

Shangri-La

A manly pint, 568 mL well earned

Absolutely shattered. Shagged out but victorious.

We all feel like this ...

... except perhaps for Craig "Whisky" McLaren

So hands up who's tired?

Happy birthday Matt

Cheers Mr Berger

Thanks everyone!

Fanfuckingtastic. What a great day! And at the death my camera dies (well, runs out of memory)! Good timing. The temptation to knock back a few more is resisted, but the remaining Prices Crowd go for a curry (thanks Tim). So Cate & Darren, Jill, Laura, Clodey, Kath & I end up having a pre-bedtime meal, hop a cab back to Paddington, and we're done!

Beer summary- 26 halves plus a full pint at the end!

Thanks everyone for a bloody memorable day!